23 apples hotel,banglumpoo,Bangkok,Thailand

Its chaos in the hotel room first thing in the morning as 6 thai cops are ruthlessly searching through our luggage but we just sit on the bed smiling as we know that it should be okay. Its not okay because they have found something we had forgotten about....... a small tin with an offering for shiva.

Perhaps the shiva tin had saved me from a worse fate who knows? It doesnt seems like it just at that moment as I'm led out the guest house and down the road in handcuffs with a cop on both sides holding my arms. There were no shoes on my feet,I suppose I wont need them in the place where I'm going ! The process in the office is fast just some papers filled in, the contents of my pockets into sealed bags,the evidence carefully and correctly put with the relevant papers and thats me.They dont bother to tell me my "rights" as from now on I dont have any !

Now we are going to the cells,here we go, its still only 6-30 in the morning and its all running on as I'm led through the huge door and more bars with big noisy locks to a bloody big horrible cell. It seems huge but its absolutely crammed with people I guess 30 or 40 and with no room to sit down.A quick scan of all the faces reveals not one foriegn or western face only thai people but they dont react at first probably too wrapped up in thier own miserable situations. My handcuffs are removed and the big door opened but as I dont want to go inside the cop has to push me into the cell so I trip over someone and stumble forwards.My first concern is to sit somewhere, anywhere really but there is just no room I cant see a place. Then I see at the far wall a small gap between two slumped bodies so I head to that place and sit crunched against the wall. At that moment most of the people are looking at me but I cant do anything except put my head in my hands and try to calm down take some deep breaths. My mind starts to race but I have to hold back the emotions and try to rationalize. Okay so I've been arrested, I'm in Thailand but surely for such a small amount of ganja it cant be such a big deal can it ? But then with all the talk in the last few months about American and Israeli government demands for action against drug tourists and the mass arrests on kohpangan makes me fear the worst - they need statistics, numbers!! Now I'm nothing, just a number and I'm in the shit I can sense it!

Outside the cell I'm in is a corridoor then two other identical cells also crammed with people then another one nearer to the main door which is just for women and not so busy they were just sprawled out in comfort there! from my cell its not possible to see into there but i saw it on the way through and it looked so much nicer in that one! But they look like nails hard and brutal thai women and could tear you apart, dont even think about that - ....."Please sir can I go in that cell with the girls!" In the corner of all the cells is a hole toilet with a 2 foot wall just on the side not the front which means most of the cell can see it anyway. Strange design I think but then I haven't had my morning shit yet and feel the urge. I'm not used to shitting in front of so many people (or anybody really) so surely I can wait, yes thank goddess.

After a while the people have stopped staring at me so I can just look around and see what type of people I'm with here. Some look grim as hell, hard as nails and some look utterly shattered as if their whole world has fallen down. Of course it has and for all of us, we've all just been arrested!! but for different crimes and with different outcomes. Maybe some are contemplating the next 5 or 10 years inside or even worse! and this is just the beginning of some hideous trip for all of us. It occurs to me that perhaps everyone is going through here at the beginning no matter what your crime unlike the big jail where everybody is ordered, filed and put in different places. If you just got nabbed with a kilo of heroin or killed someone is it the same process? I'm wondering. One guy is raucous shouting all the time and occaisionally thrashing out but he's covered in bruises already, I'm so glad I didnt sit next to him! The big quiet looking group next to the toilet seem to know each other but look a bit different and then I get it ! The one guy has the tell tale signs... I can see only too well, he badly needs smack and is starting to twist and turn. he's trying to smoke but gags every drag his body rejecting the nicotine he probably loves normally. HOW BIG is your habit.........I wonder, not too big I hope otherwise it could be really ugly. When I look, the guy next to him is in the same state. They have arranged themselves together just by instinct maybe they dont even know each other. The one guy lying in the middle of them is the worst even as he is constantly curling and uncurling his body he is visibly shaking his nervous system completely ragged. it looks like hell as if being locked up isnt bad enough without that as well !

I try to imagine what is going to happen next as I really have NO IDEA. How long would I be left here before something happens? Will I be allowed to contact the outside world ? Will I go to court ? Will I get food, water ? I just dont know anything about the thai system and how it works as of course its completely different in every country.somehow I just feel like I'm not going anywhere in the near future and try to imagine how it will be if I'm still here in the night. The cell is SO full but almost everybody is sitting only 2 or3 slumped or curled up. If its the same at night how are we supposed to sleep like this ? I just cant work it out how all these people would be able to lie down, would we sleep sitting up or not at all ? The big door opens and someone is being led towards our cell but its different with this guy they dont hold him loosely but have him hard by the arms and he can hardly hold himself straight or walk properly. His posture is so "face to the floor" its hard to see him but when I get a glimpse of his face it looks terrible. He's shoved in and some people make a gap for where he sits but he is only a few seconds and has completely broken down, cant hold back his emotions and is clamping his chest like he's in a lot of pain. It makes me feel terrible and upset myself and forces me to contemplate the nature of this place I'm in. A locked box of shattered minds and hopeless futures thats what it is just a lot of depression and despair. NOBODY here is very happy thats for sure..although.........

The big door opens a cop is standing with a guy from one of the other cells they are exchanging things then he is with the quiet group they are all coming to life with the knowledge of whats to come. They form a circle and unwrap the roll of newspaper with the syringe and needle but its very old and then the small bindle of heroin.Its game on now,off they go the guy doing the mix in the spoon gets the first one then just a quick cold flush of the needle and on to the next but by the time it gets to the 4th the syringe will hardly even flush anymore. He's pissed off and frustrated as hell and starts to sharpen it on the wall but time is of the essence as there are 3 more to go after him.I watch closely as he launches the blunt and barbed thing towards his vein. He's pushing SO HARD just to get it to pierce the skin which of course pushes the vein to one side or the other and then predictably ....he's missed. This brings forth angry noises from the others but the one guy (he's had his already) seems happy and relaxed enough. When he turns and sees me watching he gives me a big happy smile so I try to smile back.

So there it is ! I was wrong after all!ha ha! There is happiness and hope in this place after all. Bloody hell ! Dont they know about blood diseases?? I just put my head into the bend of my arm on my knees,I cant look anymore. Then someones shouting to me "hey eenglish" and its the guy who smiled at me. He's pointing at the needle and towards me. Oh god he's offering me a hit ! I politely refuse and give the respectful and submissive thai gesture that will become instinct over the next few days, that is hands in front of chest in prayer position and bow your head down till your nose reaches your finger tips. I just want to stay on the right side of everybody here thats all. I dont want aids, I don't want to get hurt, I don't want any smack I just want to get out so for now all I can do is wait and try to keep my head together.

THE MEETING

A cop walks up to the cell and my name is called. "LUCKY EENGLISH !! " (my name apparently) I'm led up to an office and sitting there is the arresting officer, a higher rank cop and my girlfriend who I havnt seen since morning and is trying to make sense of it all. The higher cop can speak a bit of English but not too well and starts by telling "translator no come 5 days sex operation having now" I'm confused but then remember I'm in Thailand and my friend explains properly ... he's a transexual whos having a sex change operation. Okay then thats great! whatever! Then he starts.. "Mr.Lucky your case running but is ... very slow as so many people and things behind also but sometime fast going if WE WANT and then you will get out much soon. I was well keen to hear this "how soon?" Oh in 12 days is your FIRST court date but of course will be adjourned then again 12 days later then so on and so on maybe few times until finish. My head is reeling 12 x 3 ,12 x 4 36 , 48 !! he starts again..... BUT you CAN finish it on the first date and get out but it will cost money 10,000 he pauses and looks at me ........AND........... 10,000 for arresting officer also who will give the evidence in court then your case very good all finish in 12 days yes!! I cant even imagine 48 days its only been a few hours and seems like a lifetime away. he notices our confusion and smiles laughing slightly ........"You think Mr .luckey no problem much time until case" he laughs again and thats it.....shit. I'm led off back to the cells again.

Its not what I want to hear at all, pay 800 us. dollars and you "MIGHT" get out in 12 days !! oh no, its not right at all, something IS wrong surely, there must be another way. My mind is reeling with confusion and desperation as I am deposited back into the cell. I find a gap and squeeze in but no more room along the walls so I have to go in the middle. I adopt THAT position again its becoming my favourite way to sit in this place but really feel depressed now I can hardly think anymore let alone speak. I just feel the darkness all around from inside AND out. There is NOTHING I can do!I'm completely powerless. That what it is being locked up like this, every option is taken away, every choice you ever had destroyed, no power to effect anything so the mind starts to close in on itself and rot, its the true hopelessness,the spirit is being damaged by a power which assumes huge and all consuming proportions. Then somebody taps me on the shoulder I turn and just somebody offering me a cigaret so I take it and greedily suck in the smoke it seems to help relieve something in my brain. He speaks English a bit the guy and he's asking what I'm in for so I tell him and he nods and sais "this is okay in Thailand only few hundred baht fine, but youre a foriegner so they need BIG BIG bail money to make sure you dont go" I ask what he means and he sais that for thai people only 10,000 bail for you more like 150,000 !! Oh right yeh I'd heard this story before about huge amounts of bail money for tiny offences then the poor frightened people just leave the country straight away and of course they just let you go with a smile as they get the BIG money not just the SMALL fine later. Anyway we dont have 6000 US dollars for that bail as the day before we just payed for the tickets to Tokyo ! He seems ok this guy so I engage him in a friendly way and ask him what he is in for. Ganja same as you but I have many packets not just one !! Then somethings happening everybody in the cell is moving this way and that when I look up at the door its some big trays with plates on them. WOW. Its lunchtime! Feeding time at the zoo !! woopee !

I'm really hungry but dont have high expectations about the food in this place. The plates are tiny with rice and "something" but its not for me just the bits of the chicken not really meat just feet bones etc. and I'm vegie anyway so I just hold it in my hand for a bit and when I turn my ganja friend has finished so I present him my plate.He's well pleased and Its all eaten really quick and we are all slumped back in our places. My ganja friend has his smokes out again but there is only one left and he's lighting it. It feels good to have this guy near me somehow not like he can help me at all but just to have contact with somebody,another human being, moral support, we are in for the same thing its the same substance that we are here for after all. I ask him about the guy who's in such a state and he tells me its the cops who did that in the black room in another part of the building which is soundproof sealed and they have a special way of torture that spreads the pain through the whole body and less to show for it later. He passes me the ciggy and I smoke it as slow as I can force myself to as i'm hyper stressed and want to smoke 5 in a row !! Then the cop is opening the door "Luckey English" thats me but I.m still thinking about the black room so dont want to move.VISITOR he sais. wow! I rush to the door and he grabs my arm to slow me down.

The visit area has 2 inch thick plastic with bars through it! so no chance to touch your vistor but I'm so pleased to see my friend who can explain that shes been all the day trying to find out whats going on but has so many different versions and stories from different sources that its still not clear."Do you think we should pay the 20,000 they asked for this morning" I ask, she sais that everybody she's asked reckons they CAN speed things up or slow things down if they want so although they may well take the money and NOT speedthings up if they dont get ANY money at all they may well slow it down or just do nothing at all.Sounds just typical. "what to do?" I ask as I am completely powerless so have only her to help me get out of this. " I can visit every day and Ive brought you some stuff to eat and drink and tommorow I'll go to the British Emabassy on the other side of town to see if they can help somehow." It sounds really good and soon she is leaving and hands the guard a bag with a bottle of water, a sandwich, some crunchy peas (I love these ) and a packet of tobbaco. He checks everything carefully then hands it over and I'm led back to the cell. I'm hungry so just devour the peas and sandwich but then feel the call of nature. There isnt anybody there so I go for it quickly and unselfconciously not looking at anybody to see whos watching.I actually couldnt give a shit anymore and it seems normal because everybody acts like it is normal but I just keep thinking about the night and how to sleep in this overcrowded cage.I hope that some people get out or something but time is grinding on.

DREAMS LESS SWEET

In the evening I just keep smoking roll ups till I want to puke and give them to anybody I can to try and make friends and keep on the good side of everybody. Maybe someone gives me room to sleep !! but it doesnt matter as everybody wants to lie down when they sleep its a fact of life and the maths of it just dont add up. I'm against the wall so i think if I keep my legs straight at least I get THAT much room to try and do something with. Then its time people are passing out but I just sit for too long so by the time I try to lie down its completely hopeless as I'm squeezed from every side. The only chance is to curl up on my side but to do this I have to rearrange the guys legs which are in the way of my feet but when i turn the body from the right falls into the space so his knees press into my back. I'm SO TIRED as the night before only got 2 or 3 hours but I cant even get a moment here. Anyway every few minutes there is a disturbance of some kind as people fight for space and try to get to toilet which means losing position. Unfortunately the guy on my left is really aggresive and keeps barging me with his elbows and feet till I'm cramped up even more. With the knees in my back I'm in a bad position with my head and shoulders hard against the wall. Then the guy beneath me is moving his legs and has nowhere to put them so now they are on TOP of mine which completely traps me in my position. I cant move now without disturbing someone but the problem is my hipbone which hurts like hell on the stone floor.Actually I CAN sleep on rock hard floors its no problem but I have to be on my back as i'm so skinny my bones dig in the floor on my side. I cant move my arms but have to do something so I try to slide my hand between my hip bone and the floor.But the movement disturbs the guy on the left and hes moving round to shout at me. My thai is not very good but I know what he is saying...."You farang piece of shit get out of my way" or something of that nature. When I look at his face its contorted with lines of anger and hatred. I think Hes about to strike me so I just cover my face with my hands and try to blank it all out. He carries on shouting and shuffling to get himself more comfortable and finishes his movements with his elbow rammed hard into my chest between my ribs, ugh. Thats it now i'm too scared to move for a while he has totally power tripped me into submission, but maybe its good as i was never going to be comfortable anyway. I just focus on not feeling anything at all, try to make myself numb somehow. It doesnt matter,I think,no pain anymore, no nothing, just blood pumping boom boom trying to get to the places in my body it should be going. slowly losing the feeling here and there it works for a while and I start to drift a bit. Its never quiet though with so many people and the moaning of pain from someone is always there.

After a while I just cant do it anymore and sit up which feels loads better.I,m looking round the cell floor to see if there is any better place for me. The floor is barely visible anywhere just bodies in all shapes twisted up like a scene from a concentration camp. Thai people are generally lean and bony and because of this I keep thinking of the jewish death camps, huge holes in the ground deep with the people just freshly shot in the head thier bony starved bodies all entwined in the last moments of life in the mass grave. It occurs to me that asians are fond of this sort of crowdything they will see it as just an extension of the punishment you deserve, just keep on piling and pushing them in, all part of the process of de-huminization and a cheap way of making the people suffer more. Why build any more cells or prisons just because there are more prisoners, just pack them in they are all worthless from overcrowded slums anyhow ! The thai muslims who were protesting in a town near the malaysia border were arrested and stuffed into a truck in the midday sun for transportation. Just keep stuffing them in, layer upon layer,there was 70 people in one truck haha look at them squirm until the truck is completely full. A few hours later when they arrived at the jail all the people at the bottom of the truck were just dead bodies and all the rest of them hospital cases. When asked the cop in charge said it was a complete accident.It wasnt! not at all.But What a way to die ! Slowly crushed and suffocated by the mass of human bodies above you all of them squirming sweating and dying at the same time. Ugh !! But all these morbid thoughts wont help me find a place to rest in this hellhole but THERE IS a place with space left right and in front of the toilet bowl in the corner. I imagine stretching out there for a moment and how nice it would feel but then think of the stench and sickness filth there in waiting, ok not there. There is nowhere and people have stuffed thier arms through the bars of the cell to try and get more room. I wouldnt do it as dont trust the guards not to stamp on my fingers in passing just for fun.

I guess its about 2 or 3 and the big cell doors open.These 2 guys are being led through but they are completely pissed and fresh from the fight it looks like.The guards are checking the cells as they're all full. I'm desperately hoping they dont come in this one but the shitheads are putting them in here of course and its not good at all. They just stumble wildly into the bodies and of course a fight breaks out instantly. It doesnt take long to pacify them though and they are neatly layed to rest in the "spareplace" near the toiletbowl. When i turn around the cops are still standing there smirking and laughing but turn and go when the action is over. On it goes time is just grinding and groaning on with the people and I start to look forward to the morning, I'm sure its going to be better somehow. I adopt my favourite sitting position again and after a while find myself slighty wedged from the people, people at every side. This is good as I can relax more between noisebreaks and drift to a kind of restful somethingness. its in this same position when I notice that its morning ! I've done it ! A new day is coming Ive got through the night.

I'm so happy its daytime as thought it couldnt be worse than the night but when the people started to get up and the shitting, coughing and puking started I was not so sure anymore. I'm just so tired and hagged but now have to watch as the junkies start to squabble and some really ill people are being sick and taking far too long on the bowl.Its probably only 6 but the heat is already too much and the stench terrible, there is a que for the bowl and all the movement gives me a chance to collapse into the floor in foetus position. People trip over and kick me but I dont care really what JARS me is always THAT SOUND I dont think I'll ever forget it its the huge clanking of the maindoor and means you'll always know where you are. Some people get taken out of the cells, more space brilliant, thats all I care about now just to have a little bit of space and if a few more go it would be SO MUCH better.

A flurry of activity people out people in its about 9 i guess so things happen , courts open, transfers to big jail whatever but nothings happening to me anyway. A guy has been brought in he looks a bit twisted and fucked up somehow but he's a westerner probably in his late 40's and skinny as a rake. He sits down and looks around but when he sees me and i smile and greet him he doesnt react hardly at all. Then It comes his terrible opening comment.. ... "I dont want to talk to you or anybody else " he sais, matter of factly. it sounds really bad and I change my vibe instantly and reply in the same horrible tone..."I ALSO dont want to talk to anybody, I dont give a SHIT !" he seems a bit suprised by that but sais nothing just stares down at the floor. Whatever hideous grimness has happened to him i dont know but it could but worse than I can even imagine so I dont hold it against him and just respect his right to silent depression. There is a bit more space in the cell now so I crawl towards the wall a bit further away from him and slump there motionless for a while. As time grinds on I can sense that his depression is deep and engrained somehow but he glances at me occaisionally and I see a slight guilt maybe that he cut me down so fast in the beginning. For me its not difficult at all, its in my nature, if someone is like that with me even a little bit then thats it,bang , door closed, I'm back in my shell. When I say I dont give a shit thats exactly what it means and I just stare into space without any expectations about anything. my mind is reaching quite far into the void and its helping me pass the time !and time groans pathetically on and soon its action stations in the cell. To keep the scum alive would seem to be the object of these little intervals nothing else. I move towards the action to check if its as bad as yesterday but it looks different. Same stupid amount of rice but with bits of veg or something. I take the plate for closer inspection and the western guy sais to me "If its veg hav it, if its meat just take the rice" I'm not sure if its just his general game plan or he's giving me advice but his attitude to me has completely changed so instead of moving away like I'd planned I just stay where I am and everybody starts eating the food.Its ok but all over very quick and all the plates loaded up and we are just sitting again. I'm still not going to talk to him though and its him who breaks the ice........" I'm fucking sick and I thought I was going to court today but instead I'm back in this shithole" he sais. I have to ask the crucial question so dont waste any time "How long have you been waiting for your case then?" 2 and half bloody months mate! I can tell by the way he sais "mate" that hes an australian Ive been in court 4 times already and it just gets adjourned everytime for 12 days more" It sounds really bad and I,m interested so ask whats the charge.Ganja ......possesion of....he sais with both irony and humour in his tone."youve been inside for 2 and a half months for possesion of ganja!" I can hardly believe it "Thats right MATE I started off here, then to the main jail, and through the courts and now back in this shithole here, on and on it goes mate I,m fucking sick of it" It sounds terrible and for the same charge as me ! "today was supposed to be my final court date and I'm now back here, I dont know whats going on the bastards wont tell me of course" I,m silent for a moment as the information slowly sinks in and I recall the meeting of yesterday."I got done yesterday morning for the same as you and afterwards they told me if I pay extra money gift they can speed up the case and have it all finished in 12 days" He looks like he already knows this story "LOOK MATE,I,ll tell you exactly HOW IT IS okay" he is serious and I,m definetly listening, "No matter WHAT happens the evidence always takes a minimum of 5 weeks to come back from laboratory after being analyzed.It doesnt matter how much you pay to the bastards who got you they cannot speed that part up so any drug case has to take at least that long.They are just saying it to get the money from you.SO MANY people in the main jail have paid big money to finish the case quick and nothing happens its like throwing money down the drain." It sounds likely and it could be that he knows what happens after 2 and half months in the system."OH shit" I say and start thinking hard and making a roll up.He,s off again. "Listen MATE,you've only got 7 days here then its off to the main jail and I can tell you some usefull stuff to get you through it things I wish I knew before." Oh yeh great I think but I cant imagine staying for next 2 months in these places its been one day I,m completely shattered already. He carries on with his "great tips for big jail" for a while but I,m spacing out until he starts to talk about HIS story which is outrageous in the extreme. It turns out he was in Delhi jail for 8 months before coming to thailand as he had been caught with half kilo of charas. He got free only after his friends and family had payed 7o ooo us dollars so he went the same day to thailand and that night is sitting in backlane bar and he gets passed the joint but at that moment the cop on bike is speedin around corner and the weed is presented to him even though its not his and hes done, nicked and jailed. Of course this time he couldnt get any help from Australia and only had 200 dollars so no choice but to wait for case. What a disaster !! he sums up the situation by saying that the last 10 weeks have been utter living hell for him and that the thai jail for 10 weeks is much worse than even 10 months was in india. Is thai jail so much worse than india I ask but he becomes hyper and animated starting to shout. "You wont believe the fucked up things Ive seen here MATE these people are like DOGS mate FUCKING DOGS." I,m so cringing as the thai people are looking and for sure some of them are understanding. He is bitter and twisted in the extreme and I cant help thinking that some of his misfortune is due to this."This is a voilent culture MATE the people are always fighting and fucking,in India its just as overcrowded if not more but I got my space left alone for the most part but not here mate different story altogether, Im lucky to be still here mate !" on he goes ranting on. At first he had said he didnt want to talk to any body and now he cant stop but thankfully he is summoned ".....DOONES ...OSTRELLA" maybe it is his court date after all, I hope so, 2 half months for a bag of weed !! bloody hell. Hes got me thinking though, if its true the evidence takes 5 weeks minimum then these cops who are dealing with my case are playing a terrible game with my head just stringing me along giving me hope when there is NONE actually and getting money for themselves !! I,m seeing thier horrible smirking faces as they count the 20000 baht and decide at that moment I,ll pay them nothing these bloody mongrels for better or worse and THATS IT. All I know is I MUST get out. no matter what as its really not good for my head this place. We must get the bail money and wait for the case here in thailand then its my name "LUCKY ENGLISh.....VISIT !" sounds great so its through to the visit area again.Now just the goddess like and beautiful face of my girlfriend and I can feel her good energy straight away even though we cant touch "You look terrible Pil are you okay?" I have to think for a moment "I,m kind of okay but I didnt sleep very well last night as its just too packed in here no room to lie properly down or anything" now she is smiling in a kind of pixie like naughty way and she looks great I know that she is going to tell me something good." Ah yes I was told about it and that it gets too busy to sleep sometimes so I got some good strong pills they are in the plain bread roll NOT the sandwich okay ?" The thought of being able to sleep no matter what fills me full of intense glee "BRILLIANT" I say and I,m smiling but dont know what else to say then I remember that ive got important things to discuss and so has she."I was at the embassy the whole bloody day they are useless and unhelpful people who dont care at all.Oh dear I think. It seems that there has been SO MANY drug cases with U.K. citizens over the last months with all the clampdowns on koh pan gan that they cant be bothered any more with trivial cases unless your looking at death penalty or huge sentence.But there is one woman who was a bit more helpful and she explained to me properly how it all works and what to do. I get really serious all of a sudden "Look ive just been talking to an australian guy who has been the last 2 and a half months inside for a "very trivial" case so it doesnt matter the proceedures for the case also dont matter all that matters is that I get out and that means we MUST find the bail money and pay it. I can borrow the extra we need from England but you have to arrange it and as quick as possible !! "THE woman at the embassy told me that they cannott give any money or anything even on loan but the other problem is the fact that bail money must be submitted by a thai person there must be 2 people garantors who are also of thai origin who can get in trouble if you skip bail."This all sounds terrible like they are making it as difficult as possible. "If we hire a lawyer the whole thing could end up costing 50,000 baht so I'm going to try and find a reliable and trustworthy thai who can do it for less,maybe our friend who always books the flights for us" What a mess around it doesnt seem like I,m coming out for a long time, shit, I feel hopeless and the darkness is pressing into my mind again.She notices and starts being all positive saying that all these complexities will be ironed out soon enough but I know her too well she doesnt hardly believe it herself. Then the small matter about the cops who are on my case "we'll pay them nothing,absolutely nothing" I say as I recall thier decietful smirking faces but she looks a bit concerned by this "maybe they will make it harder to get bail or slow down the case" but I'm unmoved "no matter, I dont think we should pay" after speaking with the Australian ive convinced myself, its like throwing money down the drain he said. Well they asked me to come for another meeting tomorow so we have to decide.. "look if this 5 week thing is true which it seems like it is then its obviously just a blag, they are holding out possibilities and hope when there is actually none" Now we have to finish the guard is telling us we are out of time. How strange it feels and to touch the reinforced plastic wall between us. Then she hands over the bag of goodies but he's checking really well everything.When he starts touching the bread I'm gripped but not as much as her as she will be in big trouble for that so we both just stand either side of this fierce cop being cool waiting for him to find it. Then its over,thank you goddess, its okay and he's handing it over and I,m shuffling back to the cells. The first thing I do is tear apart the bread like an animal looking for the pills and I find them but put them away really quick as some people are looking at me. The junkies from the day before have gone but they have been replaced more and will soon be desperate for anything but maybe the cop will help them out again later......... the only snag ....they have to share the same needle with the 40 people who used it before.nice !Then I see the hat, for some strange reason she has brought me a hat that I was wearing in the mountains in India. Its a warm hat not ideal for conditions in Bangkok but I put it on anyway and strangely it feels really good.My head feels better somehow with the hat so I keep it on for the time being. Now instead of dreading the night I'm looking forward to it because of the little helpers in the bread. It seems like there is a bit more space in the cell anyway perhaps I will get to lie down aswell wow! Just then the doors open and a few more people are shoved in and oh whats this...... the Australian back again !!.... Bloody HELL.

He finds a small place near to me and sits down at least he doesnt look as pissed off as before and I ask ,no luck then? "been in the courts all bloody day mate,jam packed it is didnt even get time to read me case should be right tommorow though." You must be so psyched to get out now!! I say "yeah except I wont be getting out, when my case is done I'll be straight to I.D.C. to wait for the deportation process." your surely joking !? "I,m completely skint now mate so cant pay my way out,no choice, the thing is MATE the I.D.C. is the worst jail in the country because there are no thais there only burmese,cambodian or whatever so they treat you worse than shit, the place is death you'll get sick just from touching the floor." Oh shit I'd never thought of that, no thai people so they treat the people much worse than normal jail ! of course they do. He's gone all quiet now probably contemplating the next days in I.D.C.

I feel really sorry for him now, what a time he's had, a whole year of his life in asian prison cells, I bet he was a different person before, not so angry, bitter and twisted. I try to cheer him by looking a bit further into the future "then you'll be back in Oz have you got a place there?" he starts talking about his place up near Cairns in the middle of nowhere where in the kitchen he has huge jars with different types of weed in them all grown himself and completely organic unlike the shit here he sais its all sprayed with herbacide. Just a couple of mates looking after the place for him it sounds really good and I'm soon thinking about taking the pills so start checking them out. "What have you got there MATE ?" he sais "oh just some sleeping pills my girlfriend smuggled in but I dont know how strong they are" the valium I know of course but this chunky thing with numbers on I'm not quite sure about, "Oh MATE !!" he seems to know "These little fuckers see you well into the tommorow" "Should I take all of them (2 valium 10's and 2 chunksters) I ask him "Oh no mate dont take more than one of those things they're serious downers for terminal deppression and mental shocks and all" It sounds just right for me brilliant in fact so I choose one chunkster and one valium also, down they go, GOOD. "She must care about you a lot mate, Its a big risk here if they had caught her she'd be in here herself" "Your only joking" "no mate in the big jail no problem drugs everywhere but here its more dodgy as its so easy to arrest people,with this being a police station and all" "Oh shit,I'm so glad .......she hid them well, I start to talk about her and how we have been together for ages and what we do... circus and juggling shows, "Japan, singapore, Hong kong wherever there is money even Bangkok can be okay a few days ago we made nearly 2000 baht in one show in lumphini park it was a saturday mind you." "YOu should try Cairns mate the place is full of gullible tourists in the season" and so on it goes, this is good just time pass talk but I'm trying to make a roll up and its just not happening for some reason the tobbaco keeps falling on my legs shit I'm wasting loads. He grabs the tobbaco pouch out of my hand. "I dont smoke that tobbaco stuff mate but I'll roll you one like its from one of me jars back home" sounds interesting I think "Sometimes in the last few months I wish I did smoke mate but I tried and cant do it just tastes like poison to me" he's rolling away though. "Your so right mate its just horribly toxic and addictive poison isnt it just so" whats going on I've started saying MATE aswell now ...bloody hell !but I'm starting to feel much more relaxed now, then he hands me this bloody huge cone thing perfectly rolled so fat one end so thin at the other "Wow that looks amazing, must be really good for my head" "Yeah well its only a bloody roll up mate" he sighs deeply, I think he wants a joint !! I light it and smoke huge drags it tastes fantastic I'm really relaxed and slump further down the wall. "Youre lucky MATE" he sais "Oh Yeah,to be sitting in a prison cell in bangkok and addicted to this toxic shite" I say, he laughs "No mate I dont mean that , but just that your not alone youve got some one who cares about you and will help you" I'm starting to feel all gooey now and can see her face from the visit, she looked so together and strong. Its her nature that in a crisis she just gets stronger, she'll sort it all out ,I know she will, I'm so lucky "yeah I know it could be a whole lot worse a lot worse much worse it could be worse, worse a lot" my mantra is crumbling..mind goes racing thankfully to the void so lucky lucky EEnglish

DAY 3

LUCKY EENGLISH , LUCKY EENGLISH !! LUCKY EENGLISH the guard is shouting really loud I have no idea whats going on, its late and i'm being summoned for the meeting with the cops. My head is cabbage, at first I dont know which hotel I'm in at all but soon realize its the very shitest of all shit hotels.. oh yeah Its the meeting and all we do is explain that we just dont have the money ,cant afford to pay and they just listen with grim faces and thats that.They are really not pleased I can tell, they realy wanted that money!.Back in the cells its really quiet I dont know whats happened,everybody has gone only 6 or 7 people spread around.I have the hideous nagging feeling in my mind. Will these cops somehow have the power to block my bail application? If they can they probably will do now ...Shit! I dont think so but I dont know, I dont know anything really.

Some new people are coming in but they look hard as nails and have the prison tattoos everywhere. I wonder what they're crime is they dont look like junkies more like meth crazed assasins.They sit in different places which is strange as the one guy is directly opposite me but the other 2 on either side of me.Its just a really bad feeling I get from the guy opposite me he is looking at me all the time I dont know where he is coming from at all. He has some very strange items hanging from his belt like he is into magic rituals or something. He looks hungry for somthing like an animal who always searching for something/someone weaker to prey on. I cant outstare him at all his eyes are just burning into me. Everytime I look up he is just staring at me with the same evil look on his face. What to do ? There is no escape I just sit there trying not to be affected by him but its deeply affecting me giving rise to terrible emotions and thoughts.How long will he carry on, I wonder , is it just a mind game with no real end in sight or is it more sinister with some intention behind it. Its really unsettling me and I remember the Australian guys words "voilent people MATE no space only fighting and fucking" It carries on, I cant stand it anymore as all 3 of them are staring at me so I try to adopt my half dead slump position and keep my eyes closed. The huge clanking of the doors gives some relief of the tension, new people are coming in and they are of a completely different nature.

Like a couple of kids they look only about 15 and are kratoy (ladyboy) or just naturally very feminine like many thais. they look completely bemused by the whole thing and the other 2 assasin types seem really interested in them.Now the predator guy has stopped staring at me and is looking at them especially the "pretty" one who looks terrified already. the guy moves really close to this child like kratoy. The "lackie" guy of the cells is standing in the corridoor and has opened the doors between the cells even though of course the main door stays closed. he is part of the plan. The cells are all quiet now but there is a really eerie and ominous feeling here the energy is so bad. Then it starts.

That guy is now just in front of the young kratoy and staring at him in the same way he was with me 5 minutes before. like me he wont try to outstare him and just stares at the ground.Nowhere to go. No escape.I feel so tense but am just glad its not me hes staring at anymore.The other 2 guys have moved in and are telling something to the kratoy but I,m not sure what.It looks so sinister I wish the cell was full again like before.They start to intimidate him by pulling and squeezing his arms and face and laughing at him but in not too long they are mishandling him properly. the predator guy is in his element now and is leaning over the helpless kratoy with his hand on his throat lifting his hand but not actually beating just to watch him cringe and wince in fear. I get an intense wave of nausea and want to do something but am too scared to move. It feels like it cant stop now, like its got momentum and has to go on until some hideous and inevitable conclusion.I tell myself thats its okay, that the kratoy is anyway probably a prostitute who does this every day so is very used to it. I have to shut my eyes and put my head in the fold of my arm on my knees.The energy is moving round my body in such a way that it makes me want to vomit and I fight the urge trying to breath really deeply. I tell myself that something else is happening, that its all just a thai game and theyre all enjoying themselves and after a while a wierd crunching slap sound jars me and is follwed by silence. i have to open my eyes and see that they are moving into the next cell and a place in the corner behind the tiny wall of the toilet.Its the most unvisible place of all the cells even if a guard walks down the central corridoor he can barely see that place. As for me I just crawl towards the toilet and curl up on my side. the stench and heat is worse but I dont have to look directly at the unfolding horrors of the other cell.I try to control my emotions and sickness but its the jardia thing back again I know it is just the stomach cramps and nausea so familiar with the rancid rotten egg taste and diarea. After a while I have to make a roll up and sit up but I cant stand the sounds and shit which is going on.A part of me thinks they wont go through with it all the way to the end but I suspect they will as I remember the look on his face ,power crazed yabba fuelled maniac , no compassion there he wants to just humiliate anybody and extract his own grizzly pleasure at the same time. The unreflecting mind never questions or steps back just pure ego power and of course its just normal part of human nature to be like that.When i look the corridoor is not empty the lackie guy is watching out the whole thing is arranged somehow.He will do the worst. Just the mechanical movements of hate and the hideous rythym and sounds, on and on it goes.It seems wrong and I feel the darkness pressing into my brain again.I so want to vomit but cannott I just go into the hard floor and try to blank it all out but its no good I feel more hopeless like I never have before, its new this and something is happening to my brain . I think of the australian guy so dark and twisted his mind forever altered by the continual grinding grimness of it all, underneath he was a really nice guy I could hardly believe it. Its the process of de huminization, so cold and hard, darkness, where is the light , who can show it here. Then it occurs to me that i'm being too sensitive and the darkness is coming in because I,m ALLOWING it to come in! If I'm completely closed then nothing can touch or hurt my mind, then its time nothing else, dont feel anything,try not to feel anything at all ? But thats what being human is isnt it ? FEELING things, thats the process, I,m getting it now , de humanization, the light inside of yourself slowly going away and your spirit being crushed.Thats what they want !

Something is happening but its becoming more voilent now I wonder if they have properly beat him as well or is it just nearing the end now. Then it strikes me the horrible physiology of it all. there are 3 of them after all and only one of him. He is tiny its too much probably his body has gone completely limp so its no fun anymore. so they become frustrated and start to beat. Is thats whats happening now I wonder.I look at his friend who hasnt moved since the whole thing began just curled up in a ball against the wall but he is moving now as the tension levels have increased and he wants to see whats going on. He tries to see whats going on but there is noise at the big gate.

A cop is talking loudly and standing there jangling his big keys being a big man then some people appear they are to be deposited in the box it seems. The big doors open and they are in the coridoor, some in that cell some in this but one of them is not thai looks arabic or mediteranean,he glances around briefly then sits not too far away from me.Now there is movement everywhere and the childlike kratoy is coming back through to sit with his friend. His posture is not good his eyes look straight down face to the floor his arms clutching his stomach.I dont want to look at him but he's sitting directly opposite me so I have no choice in the end. He doesnt look the same at all now like a different person. He is completely shattered and broken and just lies there with his head on his friends knees. His child like face now looks ugly and contorted with pain and just watching him now is bringing on a whole stream of thoughts and emotions. I cant stop them , cant close my mind and I feel a type of blackness looming over me. I,m going deeper into a pit of depression and cant stop a flurry of negative thoughts about human nature, the condition of the human mind that constantly unleashes new cycles of suffering, cycles that will continue and grow for an eternity.At that moment I feel it coming on,a philisophical insight is on its way through my brain, there is nothing I can do.The knowledge hits me like a sledgehammer........Its all about balance, everything in the world can exist only by being balanced against its opposite, its a universal law, THE universal law, the duality of all things but in this moment we are living through now the balance is tipped one way thats why its all going wrong, everywhere you look its going wrong, the monster is growing up, everywhere you can see we are throwing it all away. Now there will always be more darkness than light, more bad than good, the suffering caused by those with power and greed will go unnoticed by the people who are unable to comprehend anything except thier own pathetic material gains.So it is We lost our "humane ness" by living in a global system that strips us of the most essential qualities that make it all worthwhile. Its too obvious at that moment but I find it devastating and cant hold back my emotions.

I'm in my position already so dont have to move just slump my head forward into my arm. I just sob quietly to myself and it feels not too bad like something is being released from my twisted and tormented brain. After a few minutes I notice the guy near me who is not thai and acknowledges me in a kind of jovial and friendly way. I try to smile at him but he's noticed my terrible mental condition "Its noo soo baad maan" he sais in a tentative way and moves a bit closer to me "no its not" I agree and like always I know and smile while saying it like a motto "It could be SO much worse" He likes this "Yeah man, you know this thailand not so bad, I was in Malaysia and the cells down there, oh man so bad much worse than here" I can imagine it for a moment and can never forget the time in singapore cells so bad without fan and clothes and the most humiliating "bodysearch" from this fat pigfaced chinese bastard."Oh man you wouldna believe what the pigs doing to the people there, I was one month in those cells man like animals they treated us when I got out I was straight outa that bloody country man" "What were you in there for?" I ask him "fighting man,I get a trouble by fighting so i always get a fighting trouble but I not a fighting person me, very shanti man, you understand?" "sure I totally understand man !" "Yeah but in malaysia you dont want get caught for smoking because 1 year jail but for fighting not too much problem like that you understand" "not really though " "If it looks dodgy about the smoking then I just start a fighting and down ditch it while the bastards are trying to work out whats going on, Its the best way man" I cant believe this guy and his crazy game plan and double check his face and energy but it seems he is telling the truth "so if the cops come and want to search you just start a fight is that it?" But then its my turn "LUCKY EENGLISH !" Its my visit and I'm dragging myself up but I feel terrible even though just to walk the 20 meters or so to the visiting area feels good.I must look a terrible state though now as I slump down and gaze at my friends face and the outside world. I cant believe how good she looks again. "OH God Pil are you alright?" I'm trying to look alright and when I think about it yeah I am alright "nobody tried to hurt you, nothing has happened ?" "yeah really I'm okay nobody has touched me its just that..." I pause, I,m a bit lost and dont know what to say anymore "I just..." I find it hard to speak as before and again my mind fills with dreadful emotions, just looking at her face and to the outside is so hard now but I ,manage to blurt out the rest of it "I just really need to get out of here!" "Do you know what day it is?" she sais "there is no tv. in this hotel" I say "Its the weekend " "are you going anywhere special ?" I say smiling. "Look Pil nothing is going to happen until after the weekend thats for sure I just have to tell you that first" "Oh well its just time isnt it?" "What do you mean?" she looks concerned. "I mean that if I can completely close myself mentally and physically then it wont affect me, nothing can hurt me. Then its just time and nothing else, waiting time, just have to wait and thats all" "Can you do that?" I want to say yeah I can do that really easily but its just not happening, my mind is in tatters and the thought of spending the next days and weeks in here is starting to sink in bringing a new wave of depression. I'm not very good at this I realise, being locked up, it doesnt suit my temperamant somehow, I'm completely demoralized and just look down desperate not to show my feelings but its so hard to speak so I just press the sides of my head pushing the hat further down my head. "Your wearing the hat I see it must be cold in the cells back there" That makes me smile and she is smiling as well "Its really helping me keep my head together, I think my brains would be coating the walls of the cell now if not for this hat" "Some good news as well, that guy our friend is going to help us get through the thai red tape and will post the bail for you" I try to feel happy about that."Yeah he seems okay that guy and he has to trust us as he gets in trouble if we (you) skip bail" I'm spacing out now staring straight past her at the stairs. Its the outside world ,I think, those stairs lead to outside on the street and the people on those stairs are going to walk straight out, they are completely free to do that.Its an unbelievable scene so different from back in there They all look so happy and free those people almost dancing on the stairs with all that freedom.Actually its nothing but normal people going up and down a staircase but it looks completely something else to me. It seems so long now since this whole thing started but its only 2 and a half days really. Time seems to have mutated and now feels endless stretching off into the distance, just locks and bars, doomed faces, stone and bricks.

"PIL are you okay?" her voice brings me back "yeah i'm just a bit spaced out cant really think properly" I just need to give her a hug, to hold her just for a few seconds but can't of course,she's so near and yet so far.Its a strange type of torture this, its all so hopeless, I feel so powerless, my hands are completely empty, the only power in his hands, the huge bunch of keys that fills his hands now he is pushing through some new people they look young and worn out already, more junkies, more food for the system to eat, make them need it then give it to them , kill them off quick. now he comes over to us "time finish" He looks so the part this guy the power he has over others shows in his face,in everything he does. On his waistbelt so many types of batons, guns, handcuffs and devices, the skintight pants tucked into huge boots, huge hat covered with very important badges, I cant look at him without going into ultra subsurvient WAI mode Soon enough I'm back in my position in the cell. "not good news for you today eh?" its the funny Iranian guy he's smoking thai ciggarettes and looks fidgety and bored already, "no it looks like I'll be some more days here, but I'm sick of this bloody shite hotel" he likes this and I ask him what his chance of getting out is, he reckons he'll be out by evening somehow. Suddenly he sees something in the other cell which interests him "I know what you and me need man, we might be in luck!" the doors between the cells are still open and hes rushing off through the cells talking to people, checking things out. Meanwhile there are more people coming and some different looking people who I recognize. They are coming into my cell, I can hardly believe it, its a Thai guy I know from kohpangan. They look completely different from the others with long hair, different style of tatoos and piercings everywhere. He recognizes me straight away "Otto is that you?" he's not too happy like normally but comes to greet me, "Oh man you wouldn't believe whats happening to me today" he says with desperate grimness in his tone."You just got busted?" I say, its not a bad guess considering the place we are. "Yeah but I didnt even have anything man I was completely clean!" He sits down but is really upset and pissed off and like everybody who comes is in shock at first.I dont know what to say I just put my hand around his shoulder and tell him that he'll be out soon. "Yeah but this is my 3rd offence man if they find out about the last one in the south then I'm screwed, I,m going down." I wonder what he means "Is there a chance they wont find your record" he seems sure and sais so many people get charged like it was thier 1st offence because the previous offence was in another state. He starts with the story of his arrest which sounds ridiculous as it took ages for them to search him then at the end of it all when they found nothing they just presented him with an ounce baggie of excellent weed "This is for you very good stuff" they told him smiling and laughing as they put the handcuffs on way too tight like they did with me. otto is cringing while recalling this as if his hatred for that smirking cop is getting the better of him. We are all sitting there and Otto's friend yang is talking about the big jail in Surratani where he was for 9 months, It sounds bad but its much better than bangkok he says. The Iranian guy has re appeared and has a cigerette in his hand but its got a twisted up end.He looks well shifty now and sits really close in front of us, "Hey guys wanna a smoke?" now we are all smirking and moving in closer but I cant help but feel afraid as just 20 meters away is the station world with cops everywhere. "What about the smell?" I ask him "Yeh its ok man this not weed its hash so smells just like tobaco" the thai guys agree with him so its off we go.. 1 drag, 1 drag quickly around then suddenly the clanking of the cell doors give me an almighty shock as the j is in my hand but its okay and as the smoke hits my brain I cant help but feel better even if it makes me paranoid as hell. Endless ribbons of red tape days and weeks on end in the black room I cant imagine what would happen. My mind is popping and I just slump into the wall sideways. The Iranian guy is smiling at me "feel better now eh ?" I smile at him "Yeah sure" thanks I do feel kind of better but the shock to my brain is quita strong and time seems to be slowing down even more. Now there are more people coming in two thai guys who look like they didnt sleep for days and a short rounded european guy with a goatee who looks very sad and still in handcuffs. He justs walks over massaging his wrists and sits on the floor near to us but he looks desperate somehow and can hardly get his words out.He is also in for ganja it seems but wasnt expecting this and says he wants to come out right away ! He's from portugal and when the cops came to his room there was seeds, joints and ganja everywhere so very easy to bust him but they have left his girlfriend out as they did with me.He seems okay this guy and soon enough he's telling us all about his life and travels in India and everywhere.Sure enough the time moans timedly and slightly forward and soon its again feeding time at the zoo. "if its veggie have it if its meat just eat the rice" the australian's game plan has become my own also but today no luck.Just some strange type of bony things and rice but yang and otto are well pleased and get double and triple portions.The portuguese guy still looks really sad so I try and cheer him by telling how the cells were when I first came in so crowded and only thai people. Now it seems almost nice by comparison I try to tell him. He also doesnt know much about the thai system and rules but our thai friends know it all and seem happy to explain things and put forward thier own point of view.He doesnt have the full money for the bail and cant get it easily from Portugal but thinks his girlfriend will get it for him soon. The doors open and its a new arrrival a small strong looking thai covered in tatoos but he's completely fucked up. his body position is terrible and he is shaking all over and just collapses in a heap near to the toilet. I wonder what his story is, who beat him so badly and what he's withdrawing from. After a few minutes Yang and otto move over to him just to see if he wants anything and he tries to drink water and sit up but he is spitting blood on the floor every few seconds.I cant look anymore as it makes me feel a bit sick but i feel sorry for this guy as now I have to discharge my rotten rancid smelling diarrea just 3 or 4 feet away from him.Anyway he is so lost in his own misery that he is oblivious to it.The portuguese guy looks worse like the darkness is catching up he's just slumped forward his head in his hands sniffling to himself. The Iranian by contrast is over by the door doing push ups and press ups, I cant believe him.Yan and Otto are both with the new arrival who is definetely not okay and me I just drag myself from the toilet to slump against the wall next to the portuguese guy. At least there is more space thats the main thing I keep reminding myself as its that overcrowded thing which I hate more than anything.Otto comes back over and starts to tell the hideous tale of the new guy who woke this morning to a huge raid on his house.He's a dealer who had yabba pills and smack,even though he managed to get rid of most of it but in the process had got beaten really badly by the police. For the last few hours they had tortured him until he confessed to what they wanted and now he's coming sick from heroin and yabba withdrawals.Otto thinks that his body is bleeding inside everywhere and blood is going into his stomach and intestines.Now he's got his t shirt half over his head and the sight is gruesome with bruising and black patches all over his chest and back. I push the portuguese guy to make him take a look but he cant look for more than a second and is just staring around the floor as if searching for a place to vomit. "We are lucky" I say to try and cheer him and for a moment he looks like he understands, "it could be so much worse" I say as i try to imagine the pain he is in and the mental pain which will go on and on and on.Its visit time and I'm led through with Otto and see that he has an australian girlfriend but I'm not suprised and we sit down by the side of each other opposite our visitors. I'm just telling my girlfriend to go and enjoy the weekend as there is nothing more she can do now anyway.She says that although she cant completely forget that she just might go and have a few drinks,yes.

After the visit we're all having the treats that we got and the portuguese guy has some type of expresso coffee sachet things which we are trying to work out how to heat up.Otto finds a stub of a candle so we manage to get it going and have some coffee. The Iranian guy is back over by the door doing exersizes so i go to join him and start hanging from the bars to do pullups so he starts doing them with me.I cant believe how strong he is just matching every set as we put an extra rep on each time. I cant imagine he is going to win though as he's a nonclimber and thankfully he burns out and is out the game ..phew! Then he starts doing movements that look like tai chi but its some type of martial arts and he's standing opposite me challenging me to play the game with him, but then i remember what he said "I just start a fighting me no problem" so I decline the play fight and slink back into the corner to recover. Yang comes back over but looks grim as hell and tells that this guy is a real mess and shouldnt be here like this. He is reminded of his arrest last year when he made a mistake and got aggresive with one of the cops. They had to get a false confession from him as he was almost clean so they tied his arms out to the sides and placed the wooden boards across his chest then started to beat him so much that he couldnt breath. They know this and stop to let you breath for a few seconds before resuming the beating.Its the worst thing he sais as it feels like your being hammered on all your internal organs at the same time, its like "really deep" he sais. The thought of it makes me cringe and the portuguese guy is shaking his head vigorously as if trying to shake the image from his head.Every police station in thailand has a special torture room he sais which are soundproof,"but this time you didnt go there?" I ask him and he explains to me that the reason he didnt go there this time is because he excepted all the gifts they gave him saying "thank you very much" and waited for the charge. The guy is making a terrible noise as if something huge has to come out from inside him, a painful cry preceeds every breath and he can wretch and wretch but its hurting him so much and he cant vomit any more now anyway.It goes on the whole evening and every time I look at him he's in this terrible twisted position with his face inches from the floor. in the morning I wonder if he's still alive as he is motionless as if he has run out of shakes and curled up like a foetus like he wants to die in the same position he was before being born into this world.

The morning is a horrible time as everybody is a bit sick and in a bad mood somehow, this guy can hardly crawl to the toilet in the corner of the cell. What to do ? Its just another day. People come and go but always quicker than me, nobody who was in this cell when I arrived is here now. I ask Otto why i am still here and he tells me that its sunday so I'm probably not going anywhere today.I ask him about his case and he tells me that he should be okay as today his Australian girlfriend is going to pay his bail so he will be out.The Iranian guy also expects to be out today but for the portuguese guy its not so sure anything, if its today or not he's not sure and he looks a bit miserable and morbid.A new guy is coming in the first of the day he's a bit different from most of the thais as he's a bit tubby but he has a nice face. he looks around at the various casualties then comes to sit near us just talking with yang and otto but he's looking at the not alright guy twisted up by the toilet wretching. just as i look over at him he looks directly at me and smiles, in a way that shocks me a bit because nobody smiles much here. he moves over to the casualty and just sits nearby talking to him for a while but at least that guy looks alive again. Then after time I notice that he's touching the guy on his shoulders where all his problems are but he's nervous and cringing a bit so he just is massaging his legs. it seems like its helping him a bit even though he wants to scream and cry but at least he looks a bit more likely to survive than yesterday. its really good, the place feels better somehow now I feel like I'm surrounded by normal people and friends.Its helping the time pass and when I shut my eyes I feel a kind of good energy like I'm rising above everything and drifting to a better place. When i open them i see Otto is now getting a massage from this guy and seems in ecstacy somehow, it looks reallly great.He's obviously really good at it but thai massage is different to westiestyle and gives a kind of pain but good one!I could really do with a bit of that good pain. i can't believe this guy its like he's been sent here from the buddhist powers that be to heal all our twisted souls.He seems so different from everybody who has been here in the last few days. Whenever I catch his eyes he just smiles in this kind of knowing way and it gives a rush of hope somehow. i'm actually a bit messed up physically so I just take the opportunity while the cell is half empty to run through some yoga stretches.I'm so stiff from sleeping on this hard floor and so much tension and negativity maybe I can release it just a bit! After a few minutes i start to space out a bit between stretches and he comes over to me and starts massaging my ankles. His touch is so good but the thing is his energy. Its so clean and its so obvious that he's just doing it just because he likes helping people. Nothing else! The more he carries on stretching and massaging my ankles and legs the more this energy builds up its like it cant stop and soom I'm completely in ecstacy like Otto was just before. I'm just spacing out and staring at all the things hanging around his neck. One of the them is a buddha with a look so perfect and serene smile that its got me completely I cant stop staring at it. I start to feel a philisophical insight coming on again I cant help it. What is a buddha after all ? Its not a god somewhere in the sky laying down rules and laws, not at all, its just an ordinary person who has perfected his nature and makes people feel good all the time the best that he can. Its just a slightly higher condition of humanbeings.Its not magic or unbelievable its just much more obvious in a way but still so hard to get there. As a westie you can never see it even if the most perfect buddha is right in front of you, you still wont recognize it , Why? You have too many pre conceptions so will never allow yourself to believe it and your ego will never give anybody else that much status. In this world status comes from the way you dress and the terribly funny,smart and clever things you say, its got nothing to do with the energy of a person.You just cant see it. Niether can I. Only now trapped behind these bars I am seeing it, nowhere to walk away to I cant even turn away .I'm just blissing out in a way but some thing huge is starting to occur to me. Its about balance, everything exists only relative to the opposite thats the duality of all things. The energy of human beings is SO variable, negative and mediocre energy is like tar or mud and its everywhere you look but real positive energy is much more rare.That is pure light and its effect is so much stronger in the end because its worth so much more.So it does balance in the end. Even if the buddhas are outnumbered 100,000 to 1 it doesnt matter! they still win! This knowledge and its effect on my mind is stunning.The realization and the energy is all too much at once and brings out my emotions and its okay. But my mind wont stop ! I cant help thinking about my own hopeless condition, trapped by engrained thought processes, unable to see past the resentment and hate. Unconditional light! Haha! what a joke in a world dominated by demons and devils? My own jaded cynasism and fatalistic viewpoint means I can't ever be like that. I want to see things as he does just for a minute to know how it feels. Nothing but light and compassion even in a miserable shithole like this. but i cant do it. The pressure and the darkness is too much. I wont get there...Not today anyway. I just sit there letting the awareness and emotions flood through like a storm. he stops massaging me and comes close to me to whisper the magic words..."you'll be out soon" Oh yes!Thanks Buddha ! he doesnt really know what he's done to me and I have to hold onto it just as long as I can because the cell is filling up again and I can feel the energy starting to change.

DAY 7

I wake up in a haze really late as I used up all the last pills in the night when the cell started to fill up again. The guard is shouting about this and that, Its all go today. Otto is being called and he's getting out, his girlfriend has paid the 10,000 baht bail and so he goes free. i'm really happy for him but his friend Yang is not so lucky. He doesnt have a western girlfriend to pay the bail and its his 3rd offence for drugs so he reckons he'll get at least a 1 year sentence. I'm really worried as I know very well if I dont get out today then thats it, i'll be transfered to the big jail with no chance of getting bail until the first court date after 12 days. I'm so terrified of going to the big jail even if there are more drugs and its easier to do things I'm sure its worse than here somehow and anything could happen there. Next is the iranian guy who is also getting out today and the buddhist guy is also on his way to the big jail now. It feels really sad now our little gang is being split up, the party is finishing even though it really only just started. Time starts to feel endless again and I just sit really close with the portuguese guy as the cell starts to fill with junkies. he is finding it really hard to hard to cope so i try to cheer him somehow by telling him its going to be okay. I tell him that i know a place down south where we can go to wait for the court case which is just so beautiful and in the off season we can stay for free just cooking ourselves. He likes this as he is really worried about money. He will have to stay for his final court date and so will I even if we get bail because we both have borrowed the money so skipping bail just to get out the country is just not an option! Then suddenly he is being called, it looks like his bail has gone through but not me, oh shit! Those cops have somehow prevented mine from going through. Thats what I think. Yang is also being called but not to get out, so I'm left alone again in the crowded cell. I start to try and adjust my mind to the fact that I'm not getting out but its just impossible I cant do it. I just cant imagine the next weeks sliding further into the darkness and boredom. The time feels endless again I dont even move from my spot for what seems an eternity before Yang comes back but he looks strange like he knows something terrible. He comes straight over to me and tells me directly what he has seen downstairs."I saw your girlfriend downstairs in meeting with the top officer and there was a scene going on she was really upset and crying I dont know exactly whats going on but......it looks not so good for you man" Its devastating and all my worst fears and expectations and fears are coming true now. Its hard for me at that moment but I know that he is in a worse mess than me so i dont react too much. He's actually such a gentle and quiet type of guy Yang I really dont thing he deserves any of the shit which the thai justice system has dealt him. Its not fair.Then suddenly I'm being called and on my way downstairs to an office. Inside the scene is crazy. My girlfriend who is now in a wildly emotional state is still crying and talking and this absolutly HUGELY fat and dripping with gold high ranking cop sitting there smirking behind his desk and Charlie our friend who agreed to post the bail for us is trying to sort out and defuse this crazy situation. He grabs me immedietly and takes me to the side. Look this is serious for some reason they dont want to give you the bail but you girlfriend wouldnt except it and now they are reconsidering the whole thing. Then I stand directly in front of the desk and this guy with all the power is looking at me very carefully as if he wants to analyse my personality. Then he asks me if I get out will I stay in Thailand for the case and I tell him the genuine truth. That I will stay in the country and be in the court on whatever date they say.Then I tell him another truth.. that I love his country and I love Thai people despite all this that hasnt changed, maybe its even more true now than before. This is good and he starts messing about with papers on the desk and signing things. I look over at my girl friend who recognizes what charlie and I also recognize.......we've done it! we've won, we get the bail.

Out in the street its just approaching sunset time and in thailand that means beautiful light everwhere and everything looks amazing, the colours just look so bright after the last week.It feels so good to use my body for walking I love it and am striding down the road with my girlfriend who is now an angel like goddess.First we meet the portuguese guy with his girlfriend in a cafe and we join them for a minute.It feels so good but when I hug him he breaks down into tears and cant hold back his emotions. i think he's just happy!!Then We bump into Otto who is just setting up his street shop and he immedietly gives me a huge hug and he has a really good smile now. he just sais one thing "KEEP WALKING MAN" and sends us on our way. I know exactly what he means I just want to walk for hours it feels so good now to do that. I just keep thinking to myself....never again, NEVER AGAIN, I'd rather cut my own throat than do any amount of time in these jails. Some things are perhaps worse than death and for me being locked up is one of those things.