April 03,

I've completely lost it. That's all I know. My nervous system is wracked by regular bouts of the shakes which seem to come from deep in my core. My head is wrecked and pounding with a type of headache not subdued by anything (tried) the aching in my limbs and joints is making me feel like I'm made of horribly inflexible wire so whatever position I choose to suffer in its not going to be any better. But the worst thing is the cold , a deep inner cold spurred on by what I'm now starting to think of as the 'death sweats' ...that is a cold sweating fit not caused by being too hot but by an inner malfuction because I feel really cold so the last thing my body needs to do in a cold crisis is sweat, its wrong!

A terrible irony about this cold thing is the fact that I'm lying next to the biggest fireplace I've ever seen but there is no chance of warmth from it.

3 black and brooding items stare back at me from the depths of the pit. Like tokens of my hopeless failure reminding me of my pathetic attempts to save myself from the torture of the 'inner cold'. later I would learn how to use them to my advantage but tonight they have the upper hand and stand strong in the cause of death and darkness.

There is no fire in the fire place, there is nobody here , its been raining for what seems like days and I can hardly move. On and on it goes I dream the same dream over and over a hideous cycle has installed itself as the dengue virus takes over my body. Just a girls face which is covered by cling film plastic her body is pinned down by layers of it. I have strong urge to help her and stop her suffocating but I cant get close the plastic is putting a huge gap between us. I cant get any reaction but she can hear me. It's a hopeless deadend but I cant get away from the image. It has stuck to my mind. She is unreachable, unsaveable and unlovable. It tears me up and causes more shakes and deathsweat. Its digging through my deepest emotional needs and cutting into my soul causing me to be aware of a abyss that exists within myself. A huge abyss of need that can never be tempered. It will crave and grasp becoming more strong as my own sense of self gets more weak. Its like dying when. Everything is stripped away layer by layer , mind unravelling itself until all that is left is that need. The most powerful force in any body is the need it's the driving force of spirit and karma that drives it to the next round of suffering its happening now ...I'm dying.

Looking at her beautiful face for the millionth time the need so strong as I try to cut it off. Relax! ...float downstream....don't save don't need don't love don't crave don't grasp....think nothing do nothing be nothing .then I might get a few seconds rest.

It seemed only right that the devil should visit me that night. It was perfect. I was going deeply into the next series of plastic dreams when I felt a dark presence above to my left. Then sounds....ch ch k THUNK. then Water! Ice cold water splashing over my face arms then pouring over my legs. What type of sick and cruel joke would the devil play?? Finally I found my torch and was rewarded with a close view of what seems like a huge bird of prey standing over me. It reminds of this vulture I always see on the rohtang pass tearing at a carcass by the side of the road. But I am not on rohtang pass now I'm in new Zealand. What the fuck is going on?? his long flesh ripping beak and eyes of darkness loomed over me.He had the upper hand at that moment. I just rolled around helplessly on my pad moaning and mumbling "please leave me alone" I was muttering then more crashing sounds as he started to trash all my things one by one throwing everything around everywhere. I reached to my side into the fire rooting around in the ash I found a stick and launched it in the direction of the beast. He jumped some 30 feet crossing the whole shed and then the sound of it ...oh no... it was the final confirmation ...I was in hell and this is the devil. Good. that's clear.

After sunrise I got a dreamless couple of hours before waking to the sound of voices ! wow ! I squinted towards the light but they were already backing off quickly. It was an older very middly class couple and they looked shocked and disgusted by what they had seen... "oh dear" they seemed to be saying all the time walking backwards back to the entrance. then quickly the car engine speeding out of the car park I was still trying to think of what to say !! I had a wakeful moment to inspect my surroundings. It seemed like some type of seedy bush shelter or something with graffiti but a huge fireplace... strange place I thought . whats that outside it's a car, my car !! that's right I'd bought a car for 400nz$ 2 days earlier. I would psyche up and drive to a hospital. Good thinking ! with that thought clear in my mind I collapsed back into delirium and the next round of plastic dreams.

7 DAYS LATER

I came out of the heavy delirium and fever after 3 or 4 days but couldn't eat for a few more. The hospital in Christchurch had a tropical disease EXPERT who told me he was 99% sure that I have typhoid so gave me the drugs to treat that. fortunately I was already coming out of fever by then so didn't take them. So the real blood test results show dengue fever he was 99% wrong!! when I confronted him about this and the drugs he got nervous and said that there some more test results coming we think that you have typhoid as well! that's bollocks I thought but to be fair they don't get many case of dengue in N.Z. so I get this disease in Asia smuggle it over the equator into the southern hemisphere bring it to this bloody cold place where the symptoms have a completely different feel and effect. In the tropics you can just lie there and sweat it out but not here. The cold will just tear through your core. one more night at craigeburn and I would have been a snack for the devilbird squadron. Back in Christchurch on the last night of major fever I had all my clothes on including 2 fleece jackets my down sleeping bag then 3 duvets on top. I still woke up feeling cold!!