February 2000,

You will flash the thing for sure

Back to the centre.....,be here now,

A perfect calmness returns

.no more questions or doubts, just the touch of the first holds

feel the overload of prana, or is it just fear, same thing anyway.

So crimpy I cringe and grimace the inevitable pain of the take off gives way to skin biting side pulls then just the expected 'spike gaston' that gets me past 2 metrs of blankness.... so the crux is done.... so I think....

There are 3 spaced sidepulls in perfect succession to cover the last 5 metres then a juggy top. at half height now when I glance down I see I'm no longer above my pad which is padding the front of a large boulder. now I'm not in a position to fall.... so you don't fall okay !! this knowledge tightens my concentrarion but also tight is my grip, zone time , too tight, clamped in , static is safe ! but now you must act quickly!!

Then it happens ,the turning point.Its just one hand movement but its done and its irreversible.now I must top it as I'm too pumped to down climb that move ! so I'm focused, completely awake and fighting, just keep it going, fighting with precise and controlled moves, no doubts now...... squeezing the tiny quartz crimp my joints and fingers screaming, I reach the final sidepull , its worse than it looked , pumping , now !

everything is now ! shit, no chalk, no time , now you must act , a very high left foot is the answer , its done ,but it's a flake ,oh shit too late ...crk...

.....everything is motion , the lifeline of purpose and concentration has snapped ....is it now your early escape from the agony and beauty of this existence ?? or did you cross it already ?? that line

falling so fast I don't have to wait TOO long for an answer. It sounds like a CRUNCH at the first impact then the THUD of my body my left arm taking the second force my right foot taking the first.

"SHIT!" I say and stare back up the 10 metres from where I just came ....I couldn't believe it "I should have had that" I murmured rather lamely then I unlace my rock shoes.60 seconds have passed and I just stare at the bubbles rising from my ankle and feel the start of the hellish grinding pain that will make me its very close companion over the next few weeks.

It was after I'd hopped back to the cave and ransacked my medical kit for anything helpful that I realized the terrible fact that would TOTALLY spoil my day. In one hand I had some pain killing thingees and in the other hand that very crucial and greatest of things ....water! my last bit! I'd fucked up ! I had been just due to go and fill my 15L waterball from the spring a mile away. So I'd just swallowed half a gram of opium and was without water in the hottest part of the day! shit! DECISION TIME should I try to get out (10k junglee trek) or just get the water somehow and get through the night ......time to get the water!!!

First I had a 20 minute wrestling match with a tree then I was totally sorted with a stick to use instead of my right leg!

The first minutes were terrible! I was thinking that I probably wont make it as I am just too slow. CRUCIALLY at that moment I went back to get fleece and hand torch. It was 2pm at that time.

As I got through the valley I was loosening up and the opium was starting to work. With the shock and adrenalin combined with the pain and opiates I now had an unstoppable drive. I had become a monster of determination and was feeloing it might work and everything would be alright! but moving along is one thing but with the 15l water ball balanced on my head it would be a very different game.

By the time I reached the spring it was evening and I was rewarded with a splendid sunset and a cool drip to rest my ankle under. I had to wait 30 or 40 minutes for the ball to fill from the dripping spring anyway. I was still very psyched and energetic at this point and spied a shortcut that would get me to the valley section much quicker - if only I can get that bit done and be on the other side of the dreadful "spikesjungle" area before dark, then I'm sorted! so I set out in a different direction from any previous ways thinking it to be much quicker.

The first few steps were hellish with the ball balanced on my shoulder. I was ridiculously aware of the fact that if I fell and dropped the ball it would shatter leaving me in a terrible situation.

then I got to the only little 'blind spot' in my 'shortcut' ......yes it was a blind spot because it drops away in a 4m wall, oh no! I have to backtrack all the way back up the slab the way ive come, by the time I pass the spring again its totally dark and I,m very pissed off!!

with the ball held on my right shoulder with my left hand and the stick in my right hand taking a lot of my weight the torch was difficult to deal with. It was stuck in my mouth mostly ! (no I didn't have a fucking headtorch!) but every time a difficult section came I would remove the ball put it down in front then walk around pick it up again the whole valley section was done like this in tiny little stages,

then I came to another kind of 'impasse' - a slab 3m up which I would normally smear up in sandles water ball and all .....not today! I slid up on my belly reaching as far as possible to wedge the ball against a block.then I tried to pull myself through but fell backwards my left arm hitting a sharp piece of granite cutting it badly and my right arm dragged into a spikey bush now a mess of cuts and thorns. I just lay there my head is pounding so hard, my throat retching from the bloody torch and my arm that was strained from the fall is now injured again but at least the ball is okay!!! but I was hugely angry and cursing hard at this point constantly reminding myself of my own stupidity.

Actually a lot of the water had spilled out already and everytime I would say 'fuckit' but enjoy the sensation of cool water running over my head and down my back. Then I got through the valley and onto the last plateau which is far but flatish back to the cave. Success was burning strong in my mind now I was careful not to let it go to my head. One excited moment and it would all be over! my finger ends were curled so hard round the top of the ball they were almost cut through and I was constantly saying holy mantras such as "don't drop the ball,dont drop the ball don't drop the ball you fuckwit" I could have fallen flat on my face and not give a toss about it as long as the ball was okay!

By the time I arrived back at the cave it must have been 10 or 11 clock I was pretty tired after the most painful water run of my life ....so far.

3rd day

So it's a good place to do nothing and wonder about the whys and but ifs of it all. In the complete silence and tranquillity of these rocks I can feel good about things. I'm lucky !! I remember the smell as I came back with the water. Like something different looking around for an animal carcass nearby the source was of course my own sweating adrenalin fear soaked and opiate numbed body. An overly strong weirdness from the altered state .....your own numb sickness !! so I must hope somebody passes by today or Klaus a german climber who said he might meet me here. I drew a bloody map for him after all! looking on the bright side I have a good size piece of opium for the walkout and enough food for perhaps 3 more days.

4th day

woke up in a terrible position, the ankle is even worse ....a horrible black and purple colour all the way from thigh to toe and swollen in a thick and mutantly unrecognisable way. Its not getting better like I thought but worse and today I have to make the most painful water run of my life .....again !

6th day

I woke early in a lot of pain so wanted to watch the sun rising. The hill is dominated by these two big 'boulder pinnacles' each about 40 metres high and I must walk between them through the boulderfield to get to the nearest sunrise viewing place. Its still a bit dark but will take me a good while to struggle this half a km. Just as I pass the second biggest pinnacle I see the first signs of life waking up on the top. There are 20 or so black face monkeys there. They look beautiful and their waking up ritual is run and play, run and play but sometimes they play "harder" in the mornings. Today it was full action with the little ones going bezerk and the big ones doing advanced acrobatics. The completeness with which they were ignoring me was stunning and really made me feel completely insignificant which is actually what I am to them. I caught a glance from the big one just long enough for him to say "look at you now pathetic and pointless" he was utterly superior, then he let out a shout and his babe came running into his arms. Such a gentle type of love seemed to be there I was stunned. Then came the little ones jumping up for some affection. It was all too much. The contrast too stark. These creatures of beauty perfectly integrating with each other living in harmony with everything ......and me..... Mal adjusted , dis integrated completely alone and completely fucked up. At that moment I felt utterly alone and as I stared down at my mutant foot I felt a huge weight on me like something pushing down on my head. I went with it and just collapsed and lay there. I was feeling sorry about everything and just lay there in a pathetic state sobbing and mumbling to myself. I never made it to sunrise that day.

8th day

so I'm finally starting to believe the truth. That I,ve really badly damaged my ankle so should get treatment from a hospital. That nobody is coming by here to help and that my friend Klaus is not coming. Right on! good job as my last food runs out today so I have to get out anyway. Fortunately I saved a sizeable piece of opium for this very best and most special of occasions so swallow it with the last sickly strong black coffee. I liked that, blackness and more blackness on top. It feels good and looking on the bright side my sac is much lighter than before.